I hate being judged. Especially by my outside appearence. I have been spending too much time in a loving and gracefilled environment that my mentality of what the world is really like has been warped. So warped it is, that sometimes i pour out self-knowledge in a quite shameless fashion. I am cynically indifferent to the dignity of my position, as a student , and as someone asking for a favour. So when i got scolded at ACJC, i was flabbergausted. i mean like, the guy dosen't even know me and he's scolding me about how my hair's coloured and long?! Ahh...that's pride. The position i thought i was in: " They need me..they owe me something" But they owe me absoulutely nothing! They don't need me..my gaze has been turned from God towards myself. I have been watching my own mind and trying to producce feelings there by the action of my own will! okay..let's put things into perspective.. if i needed five dollars from you......lending me the five dollars in ten cent coins would not make you 'mean' as you have the right to! You're doing me a favour. Now...that's where i am.
Trying to answer them in a humble way is hard. As to even regard the teacher as a possible source of knowledge-to anticipate that what he asks or says could possibly modify my thoughts or my behaviour-this would be rejected as utterably simple-minded. We always think they know nothing..like who are they to tell me what to do? But ahh..that's pride again. And because of all this, I have to forgo my Tibet trip as if i wanted a place in the school, i have to go for a camp where they would monitor me to see if i can excel both academically and in sports. sigh....complications...is that all life has to offer ??